A gunman opened fire in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, killing 27 – 18 of which are children – before dying of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.More >>
Residents of Newtown, CT, are memorializing the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. A gunman opened fire at the school, killing 26 – including 20 children – before dying of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.More >>
(RNN) - Well, this is a pretty darn disappointing day for us doomsday preppers.
After all the buildup for the Mayan Apocalypse, when it didn't happen, I was all like, What! You have got to be kidding me! No meteor? Not one pandemic? Where's the electromagnetic pulse?
So if you're like me, you're probably wondering, what am I supposed to do with 2,000 cans of tuna, a ton of freeze-dried beef stew and 10,000 capsules of potassium iodide? How am I going to pay back the massive loans I took out to buy rope, bottled water and flint now that the global financial system hasn't collapsed?
It's enough to get most people down.
But I'm a glass half-full kind of guy, and so are you if you believed you'd still need half-a-million rounds of .50 caliber bullets and a solar-powered machine gun after an extinction-level apocalypse.
So let's take comfort knowing that lot of people throughout history have found themselves feeling just as sheepish as we are now, or even worse.
How would you like to be Pope Sylvester on Jan. 1, 1000, after he'd told everybody that the first day of the New Millennium would be the last day ever? I'll bet his face was beet-red when the barons and peasants and everybody who'd attended his "Last Mass" looked up at 12:01 a.m. Vatican Time on New Year's Day and said, "Oh, gee. Nothing happened. So what do we do about all these fallow fields and livestock wandering the streets of Rome, huh, Pope Sylvester?"
In the 18th century, the Shakers totally whiffed on not one, but two end-time predictions. But did the Shakers quit? Heck, no. They reinvented their whole brand, and now check it out - they make the best chairs ever: Oprah paid like, $300,000 for one.
Remember Y2K? Things definitely started going downhill about the year 2000, but it wasn't the end of the world or anything - unless you were in real estate.
Speaking of financial oblivion, you'll probably want to liquefy some of those assets you invested in that aren't going to be terribly necessary now that society is still functioning.
But hang on to some of it. Things are bound to fall apart again, sooner or later.
It's only a few more days until the fiscal cliff.
Here are a few suggestions for your other unnecessary stockpiles:
If you converted all your capital into gold bars and diamonds, stop what you are doing and visit www.brinks.com right now.
Military entrenching tools are going for about $40 on Ebay. For the same money, you can buy a carton of 48 Snicker Bars. What would you rather have, now that you won't be needing to dig so many foxholes? Just saying.
Cross bows are too cool to sell. Get a red-dot scope, move to New Mexico, get a hunting license and go all Walking Dead on the savage javalina.
Gasmask - Keep it until next Halloween, at least.
Samurai sword - Great for trimming hedges if you need a workout.
500 Slim Jims - Save them and invite all your dude buddies to a big Super Bowl party. They'll be gone before you float the keg.
500 pounds of batteries - When I was about 10 years old, I swiped my mom's metal vacuum cleaner tube, into which a Size D battery would slip perfectly. I propped the tube on a couple of cinder blocks, inserted an M-80 firecracker in the bottom of the tube, dropped a battery in the other end and lit the fuse. The explosion shot the battery about 300 yards and it landed, CLANG, on the metal roof of a neighbor's tool shed. I was receiving congratulations from all the other boys in the neighborhood when the police showed up and terrible things ensued. So I can't advocate this.
Two tons of plastic trash bags – You're set for life, just don't lose your 1 million plastic twist ties.
First aid kit - Keep it in the bathroom, which is also a good place to store your lifetime supplies of antibiotics, insulin, isopropyl alcohol and toilet paper.
Water purification tablets - Hang on to these in case you ever go camping in Death Valley.
Compass - Pitch it and reactivate your GPS. It wouldn't have been any good if the poles had shifted anyway.
Mirror - Set up your own funhouse and charge entry to recoup the cost of your doomsday supplies.
Miles of rope - Host a tug-of-war tournament for everybody in America.
Tons of blankets - Build a massive pillow fort and invite all of your friends over for some Slim Jims.
5,000 rolls of duct tape – They make perfect stocking stuffers.
Two-level, 112,500 square-foot facility carved into a hillside in West Virginia stocked with a half-million gallon water tank - Best swim park ever. Rent out for wedding receptions.
Five years of MREs - Donate to Antarctic research while tax laws are still favorable.
Livestock - Two words: petting zoo.
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